Letter to my dead Ex-boyfriend

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My dear first Love,

I sincerely don’t know why I am writing you this note, it could be because you were my first love or it could also be my desperation to find closure when you departed several years ago without any goodbye. It might just be the fact that I still feel guilty for not doing enough to save your restless soul back then.

I remember your fearlessness and your ability to take risk, your adventurous attitude was the magnet for our meeting because it was all I lacked then but above everything else is your generosity.  How could a simple smile make everything feel better? But your smile did just that all the time.

I remember meeting you back at the university and taking an instant liking to you. It was that unexplainable feeling mixed with the inexperience about being attracted to someone.  I had never being in love but being with you it just felt right and I knew instantly that you were all I wanted and I couldn’t have made a better choice.

Right from the start, I notice the restlessness in your soul; you wanted more out of life and you went all out trying to find it. This served as the catalyst to what I might call destruction. You were lost in the confusion of the chaos that life has to offer, I watched you battle with your inner “demons”. And in all that struggle you always put me first and you said I was the only thing that kept you sane. I thought I had held your hand so firmly but the call from the other side was much too stronger than my grip on you.  I was too young to understand your battles and till date I think I have failed you in a way.

We made a lot of good memories together and I like to remember you that way and I still make a lot of noise about you which is just not fair to the one I am with but you set the bar to damn high for me to easily forget you and I carry you around in my spirit. I hope you have finally found peace where you are.

Forgive me for all the times I failed you, for all the times my help was not enough and for all the time that I wasn’t there for you. I hope I will be able to move on and make you proud like you always believed I would. RIP my dear, RIP my first love.  

 

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6 thoughts on “Letter to my dead Ex-boyfriend

  1. Profound Sheila, very profound. Takes all the energy one can muster to put out such a beautiful outpouring of the soul. This comes from within deep and I feel your pain. Beautiful shot of the two of you as well. That picture told the story.

    • Thank you. Indeed it is very emotional for me and as much as I try to move on I realize I am not getting the closure I need so I took to writing about it and I agree pictures tell the stories better than we do.

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