Yes I contemplated suicide

The world as we know it has become a place where keeping up appearances is more important than anything else and we aim so much to fit in that we would literally sell our soul to the devil to achieve this. The result is a lot of people walking around with emptiness and a dark Cloud hovering over their very soul. Yet with all the smiles and laughter we see each day, lies lost souls walking around trying to pretend life is fine and they know how to handle it all.

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Have you ever paused to ask yourself who you are? Ask yourself this simple question in all honesty and allow yourself to feel the response your emotions will bring you, you will be amazed at what you will find.  It is likely you will feel lost and not even know who you really are or what you stand for.  We walk around pretending we do not care what others think of us but all we actually do is to make decisions based on what others think of us. I always say most people who are quick to exclaim “I don’t care what people think of me” are actually crying out for help because they are tired of being concerned by what people think of them. I might be wrong but mostly that is the case.  

 

When people hear of others committing suicide the first reaction is shock and surprise because they usually think the person has got it all together but the truth is people who look strong on the outside are usually very emotionally weak.  This is the more reason why we should be careful what we say to people and how we treat others because that one hateful statement might just be the trigger that person needs to take their own life or that of another person.  

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Those days when I hear of suicide, I think to myself it is the last thing on my mind and that there is nothing and I mean nothing that can make me think about suicide let alone going ahead to actually carry it out. Oh how wrong I was.  I just needed to think that to be tested on it.

It was just an ordinary day when all my problems started driving into my head one after the other and I felt so lost and empty.  I would usually talk to my mother but my mother makes it hard for me to tell her my problems because once I confide in her she starts to get worried about whatever it is that we have discussed and I see her hurting and sometimes crying on my behalf and I hate how that makes me feel so I usually don’t want to burden her with my problems. All I therefore did was to stay in my room and cry and overhyped my problems and made them bigger than they actually were and in my mind life was no longer worth living. I started thinking of ways to commit suicide. Nothing else mattered not even with all that I had achieved for myself because as a young lady I had actually done pretty well for myself and my family and extended family would always tell me that. For this dark period all that did not exist.

Suddenly it was no longer about me but my mother, I thought of how she would cope without me. She would cry her eye balls out and ache till she probably dies out of the pain and I could not let that happen. She had already endured so much in life and I didn’t want to add a lifetime of heartache to it. These thoughts snapped me back to reality and looking back I realized how trivial these problems were but at that time I could not really wrap my mind around that and see how it will all eventually work out.

Since that experience I have realized how fragile we can be and I have stopped judging people who commit suicide. You might think they are selfish and over pampered idiots but they are not because at that moment of weakness and agony, it was the only way out that was known to them.

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To anybody who has ever contemplated suicide hold on and know that life has a way of sorting itself out or talk to somebody, pray, scream or do whatever it takes to get you back to your clarity.

And to all those who have lost loved ones to suicide, please forgive them and let go (not very easy I can imagine) because at that point it was the only way they knew how to stop their pain and as selfish as it may seem they actually did not want to burden you with their problems.

HAVE YOU EVER CONTEMPLATED SUICIDE? WHAT STOPPED YOU? SHARE AND ADVICE

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15 thoughts on “Yes I contemplated suicide

  1. Oh girl I have more times than once!
    The very first time, i actually attempted it, no need for details. I have struggled with darkness for so long, I am finally free though.
    What stopped me? I have no other explanation but God.

    You know there’s this other kind of suicide which is gradual, and that is what for a long time I had been suffering from. I put on fake smiles, laughed empty laughs but in my own little corner the darkness was just too overwhelming, and so I let myself go, not caring about my health, succumbing to a disease I could fight, doing exactly what the doctor advised against.
    You feel life is not even worth it, what is there to lose, what have you but yourself and these dark, dark thoughts, and occasionally it overflows onto a sheet of paper and even then, its still dark.. *sigh* It’s been a long, long, journey to this point where life has more meaning to me. It was a most unexpected light for me. But most welcome, very welcome calming light.

    So again, what stopped me? My dear, God did. 🙂

    My advice? Hmm..don’t write yourself off – that you are unimportant, no one cares about you.You have to start by caring about yourself first, seeing yourself as important, worth living, someone who has something to give to the world. And most of all, find inner peace. It’s important to be at peace with your past and your present, deep within your heart.
    Suicide is not worth it, really. Not at all. 🙂

    • Thank you for your contribution, most of the time it helps to know that what we are feeling or going through others are also going through.

      And I agree we have to love ourselves first and not be too hard on ourselves. It is a journey of emotions and once we are able to do that we can push suicide far away from our thoughts. Good luck to all of us.

  2. I tried to kill myself three times and ended up hospitalized after all three. I was put on this or that drug and would be fine for awhile, but something always seemed to happen to send back down that road again or the medicine’s effectiveness just wore off for me. After the third time, I made a promise to my husband and youngest daughter, that I wouldn’t go there again.
    Bless their hearts they watch me closely, but ever now and then, suicide does creep back into my mind. I think about my promise and that keeps me from acting.
    Thanks for bringing this out into the open. HUGS

    • Sometimes we are overwhelmed by life and its challenges. I am happy you are so much better and in a good place now. We have so much to live for. Thank you for making the time to read.

    • Thank you for sharing so openly. Your post really touched me. It helps to know there are others who are struggling. In a world where it is easy to judge my insides by others outsides, I forget that others experience pain, insecurities, heartache, and feelings of worthlessness. Maybe it is my own self-centeredness that makes me think I am the only one. But people don’t just walk up and say, “Hi my name is soandso, I’m insecure and arrogant.” So those hurtful feelings are usually hidden deep, behind a masked smile that we try so hard not to break. Why? Because we do not want anything to be wrong with us. We want to be happy and perfect the way we think others are. So we shut ourselves up. Hoping it will just go away, and it doesn’t. So it gets worse and grows. I know because I have been there. I have had a darkness eating me in the inside and I had no idea what to do about it. I am a good actress, so no one noticed. But I was broken, and it took years for me to finally allow the master healer in. I am so grateful for this. I am posting this for anyone who feels alone, worthless, and insignificant. I am here to let you know you are not alone. You are important and your life has meaning and purpose. Don’t give up on yourself. You are a work in progress and are loved so very deeply by family, friends, and God. Allow yourself to feel this love. Thank you Shelia for bringing this unspoken darkness into the light. With love,

      • Thank you for stopping by and for the feedback. Sometimes we feel we are the only people who go through life’s challenges and we feel others have their lives put together and figured out and that we are the “losers” but we have no idea the “demons” most people are battling. It is usually not the end of the world but in that instant moment of darkness, that is what some of us think about; ending it all. Thank you for the encouraging words and I hope these words reach out to someone out there who thinks the only way out is suicide.

  3. Pingback: Yes I contemplated suicide « Mama Bear Musings

  4. Hmmmmmm, this article is thought provoking. life is very precious and no matter what happens we should always remember that we are not the first people to face challenges in life. Many people face challenges and they are able to overcome them by the grace of the Almighty God. Lets do away with all sorts of suicidal tendencies and rely on God to see us through this life.

    • I totally agree it is difficult to focus on the positives of life sometimes but it is the best option and with God we will make it past those challenges. Thank you for reading

  5. I have never contemplated suicide but a friend of mine has. Which makes me think it’s easy to find yourself there

    She confides in me and will always tell me she wants to end it all
    My sister a psychology grad had told me anyone who always said they wanted To end it will one day act on it. It was a cry for help and shouldn’t be taken lightly.
    I always got worried when she said that but was confused in what to do to help. Ghana doesn’t have(well, I do not know any) psychologist u could readily find and go for therapy sessions.
    Whenever I asked her to speak to a priest or pastor, she feared she would be judged.

    What did I do? I kept praying for her. Checking up on her. Talking to her the best way I could.
    She tells me she’s better and I’ve been very helpful.
    I still would want her to talk to a professional though. Till we find her a therapist, I’ll keep on playing the part of her therapist.(I’m not a professional but I think, if I say so myself I’m good. And my friends tell me I am. Lol)

    From my friend’s experience, I think it’s easy for one to do that. We need support systems. We need FRIENDS as well. Non judging, very supportive friends who won’t make ur problems a trending topic on social media.

    • I totally agree with you we lack most of the facilities that could help people who contemplated suicide but friends and other support systems helps. Having a friend of yours go through this will bring it closer to home than you ever imagined. It is a crippling feeling that holds a lot of people under its spell for a long time. You did a good job with the support you offered her and i am sure it helped keep her sane, just her thinking of the comfort and support you give her will make things a whole lot better. And YES prayer does help.

      Thank you for visiting my blog and leaving this wealth of knowledge, hope to hear from you again

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